Really lovely read. I must admit I never noticed the Shinnecock reference being incorrect in the movie (although I'm not American and terrible at Geography so maybe that's the reason...)
It's funny because when you mentioned Tom was an architect I was immediately reminded of How I Met Your Mother and Ted who's also an architect. As much as I love that show I can't help but think of the similarities with how most girlfriends Ted has during the show probably fit the candid girlfriend definition.
thank you so much 🫶🫶 all credit goes to stowe’s video!! i was mind blown when i heard of this detail and HAD to include it. i've never seen HIMYM (i’m not a sit-com girl) but maybe i should now…
Ahhh you're too nice 😭 All credit goes to Stef Dag though!! She's the one who developed the definition of a candid gf I wish I was that funny and smart 💔🫶
great essay! 500 days of summer was a movie ahead of its time, which is why i think the point skipped over a lot of viewers' heads when it was released.... i think it's a super worthwhile project to critique the tendency we have to project all kinds of unwarranted stuff onto our love interests before/instead of getting to know them.
i feel less comfortable accusing a woman with simple tastes of "pickmeism"... i find "pickme" to be quite a mean thing to call someone, actually. don't we all, on some level, dream of being chosen?
thank you 🫶🫶 i think this movie is viewed in a simple light when it’s actually much deeper. it says a lot about patterns in dating and both characters are so interesting to analyze!!
to be honest, i’m not a huge fan of the term “pick me” as well. it's mean and dividing. if it wasn't for the recent development of the term “candid girlfriend,” i wouldn't add it to my piece. its use was from a need to explain the term better rather than encouraging its usage.
love this! when I first saw the movie I was maybe leaned more to defend Tom but still didn't like him at all, I was also tired about the "villain" of the movie. you made great points, and I now can see what summer really wanted!
thank you adriana!! when i first watched the movie i immediately jumped onto the summer hate train. it was only after my second watch (and first relationship) that i was able to see and understand summer better. this movie becomes more meaningful and more revealing when one remains neutral - definitely more than a regular drama!!
This was a nice read. I agree, this is a horror film that brings up 3 terrifying behaviors: the objectifying of women, the fetishizing of women, and not knowing when it's time to let go. All equally dangerous and scary.
great points! love your writing! and i hate to disagree but i still cant stand Summer 😭 she seemed to me like she was leading Tom on and there was clearly a lack of communication between them. Summer will always be the annoying trying-to-hard girl to me. maybe its a biased and flawed view but it is most likely an intended one based on how the movie was made.
that's completely understandable! i don't think summer was meant to be liked as a character. the storyline and the script is meant to work against her. the whole point of the movie is they're both meant to be flawed. i love how every review shines a different light on this movie - the gift that keeps on giving!!
btw, in the past, I had friends of opposite sex that were similar to Summer Finn. I also probably have innate tribalism or mob mentality because it didn't matter what perspectives my friends held or whether they were the issue, I just celebrated them. It was always very effortless to be empathetic towards friends not wanting to be xyz or needing to have xyz need met or often literally even painless hearing friends describe or show me how big their favorite dildos were. At the time, those things didn't concern me, I was just trying to hide being aroused because from where I come, if you're baku, you're not allowed to walku. Also my sentiment was "that's kinda unrealistic, but you're my people so I love that for you and absolutely girl I swear!". Physical aspects of the .... entailed severe dismorphia sort of induced by the person sarcastically hyping it all the time - unlike me, she'd probably make a successful stand up comedian. But the kind that's unsure why everyone's always laughing at the unapologetic deadpan candid roasts.
I really want to be vulnerable and comment saying that i fit the archetypal male portrayed here, but I have severe schizophrenia, bpd, and this weird thing where certain numbers and patterns or repetitive thought cycles. A younger version of me that hadn't self destructed would've realized subtle cues such as being broken up with in a book, or having creative essays about "fictional"/anonymized men that aren't me read to me during bed time, or facial expressions and generally reading the room tbh. I never wanted to admit that I'm at heart a very monotone, colorless, closeted dopamine junkie, and grew up in a country under a religion that's way to esoteric or foreign to ever accomodate someone that will traverse through life changing colors many times. I realized very early that my brain is too rigid and I simply get along with and like the things and people that don't pinch my nerves, I simply didn't have the spine to move honestly, to follow strong gut instincts that would've preserved some earth beneath my feet, some earth that no longer exists. Knowing my luck, someone's gonna clock who this is, but I'm one-way posting this so idrc who reads this or what response it incites.
I don't think flaunting or displaying one's significant other is a crime, imho, but I think I always sat on the bench and watched others live and be couples and have ship names + have a "normal" american social life. So the lack of care for literature, or anything that isn't related to career interests similar to mine, and borderline mental retardation induced by years of o.d.d or revolt against strict parents - resulted in a sad pedestrian urge to center my entire life around her. But only in hindsight was it made clear to me that I had many dismorphia's, and centered it around my ideal perception of the filtered parts of her that I found admirable and publicizable.
Of course now things are very different, now I'm pretty sure I'm either being hunted, villainized, or mummafied everywhere news of my history reaches. I've told myself that no matter what, if anything is undeniably true, I will not allow dismorphia. Mentally 50 yrs old despite just entering 30s and grateful this didn't happen in my late 40s where low-hanging fruit such as the post breakup gym girlie/lad chapter, flings, vices, money, etc etc etc would've probably made anyone nausous. I'm expecting to be incarcerated eventually but now optimistic about a few things, which I'm not going to say out loud.
I'll close with this though, I don't think the bjhm show was that palettable to me because none of it felt prescriptive, the show only showed a downfall or a flatline, and eventually so much downfall and flatline that the horse simply couldn't do anything but ..... . It would've been helpful or more inviting if there was at least a 2-5 minute segway where he works and succeeds and making friends inside ...... . Or just died any other way. Also note, I didn't watch everything, bc the dude is me, and other characters were others I knew. But perhaps I can carve out a day to sit and see all the hierlooms left by those years from that person, and extract everything that is pragmatic and will be useful for me to know.
thank you so much for your piece. i saw the same tiktok about the girl talking about the candid girlfriend and it played on loop in my head, thank you for connecting it to this film. i totally agree with you that most 'artsy' men are not interested in women as individuals but as muses, as third slide of a carousel girl, who would perfectly fit in their life. i've experienced it myself and it fucking sucks
Really lovely read. I must admit I never noticed the Shinnecock reference being incorrect in the movie (although I'm not American and terrible at Geography so maybe that's the reason...)
It's funny because when you mentioned Tom was an architect I was immediately reminded of How I Met Your Mother and Ted who's also an architect. As much as I love that show I can't help but think of the similarities with how most girlfriends Ted has during the show probably fit the candid girlfriend definition.
thank you so much 🫶🫶 all credit goes to stowe’s video!! i was mind blown when i heard of this detail and HAD to include it. i've never seen HIMYM (i’m not a sit-com girl) but maybe i should now…
Honestly I don't normally watch sitcoms but HIMYM is really good, would recommend New Girl too
i thought of ted too!
Your dissection of the candid girlfriend was toooo awesome, “patient zero pick me girl”???!? dude write a book🤣👏🏾👏🏾
Ahhh you're too nice 😭 All credit goes to Stef Dag though!! She's the one who developed the definition of a candid gf I wish I was that funny and smart 💔🫶
This is the best breakup movie because it reminds you of what you don't want and who you never want to be!
I hope I never be someone's Tom...
oh this is goooood
oh i could cry!!!! thank you so much 🫶🫶
free the candid girlfriend!
great essay! 500 days of summer was a movie ahead of its time, which is why i think the point skipped over a lot of viewers' heads when it was released.... i think it's a super worthwhile project to critique the tendency we have to project all kinds of unwarranted stuff onto our love interests before/instead of getting to know them.
i feel less comfortable accusing a woman with simple tastes of "pickmeism"... i find "pickme" to be quite a mean thing to call someone, actually. don't we all, on some level, dream of being chosen?
thank you 🫶🫶 i think this movie is viewed in a simple light when it’s actually much deeper. it says a lot about patterns in dating and both characters are so interesting to analyze!!
to be honest, i’m not a huge fan of the term “pick me” as well. it's mean and dividing. if it wasn't for the recent development of the term “candid girlfriend,” i wouldn't add it to my piece. its use was from a need to explain the term better rather than encouraging its usage.
i hear you!
love this! when I first saw the movie I was maybe leaned more to defend Tom but still didn't like him at all, I was also tired about the "villain" of the movie. you made great points, and I now can see what summer really wanted!
thank you adriana!! when i first watched the movie i immediately jumped onto the summer hate train. it was only after my second watch (and first relationship) that i was able to see and understand summer better. this movie becomes more meaningful and more revealing when one remains neutral - definitely more than a regular drama!!
This was a nice read. I agree, this is a horror film that brings up 3 terrifying behaviors: the objectifying of women, the fetishizing of women, and not knowing when it's time to let go. All equally dangerous and scary.
thank you so much asheley 💖 this movie is like the worst dating horrors for a woman summarized
great points! love your writing! and i hate to disagree but i still cant stand Summer 😭 she seemed to me like she was leading Tom on and there was clearly a lack of communication between them. Summer will always be the annoying trying-to-hard girl to me. maybe its a biased and flawed view but it is most likely an intended one based on how the movie was made.
that's completely understandable! i don't think summer was meant to be liked as a character. the storyline and the script is meant to work against her. the whole point of the movie is they're both meant to be flawed. i love how every review shines a different light on this movie - the gift that keeps on giving!!
agreed! this is such a special movie in that it is still being discussed so much even after so long
btw, in the past, I had friends of opposite sex that were similar to Summer Finn. I also probably have innate tribalism or mob mentality because it didn't matter what perspectives my friends held or whether they were the issue, I just celebrated them. It was always very effortless to be empathetic towards friends not wanting to be xyz or needing to have xyz need met or often literally even painless hearing friends describe or show me how big their favorite dildos were. At the time, those things didn't concern me, I was just trying to hide being aroused because from where I come, if you're baku, you're not allowed to walku. Also my sentiment was "that's kinda unrealistic, but you're my people so I love that for you and absolutely girl I swear!". Physical aspects of the .... entailed severe dismorphia sort of induced by the person sarcastically hyping it all the time - unlike me, she'd probably make a successful stand up comedian. But the kind that's unsure why everyone's always laughing at the unapologetic deadpan candid roasts.
I really want to be vulnerable and comment saying that i fit the archetypal male portrayed here, but I have severe schizophrenia, bpd, and this weird thing where certain numbers and patterns or repetitive thought cycles. A younger version of me that hadn't self destructed would've realized subtle cues such as being broken up with in a book, or having creative essays about "fictional"/anonymized men that aren't me read to me during bed time, or facial expressions and generally reading the room tbh. I never wanted to admit that I'm at heart a very monotone, colorless, closeted dopamine junkie, and grew up in a country under a religion that's way to esoteric or foreign to ever accomodate someone that will traverse through life changing colors many times. I realized very early that my brain is too rigid and I simply get along with and like the things and people that don't pinch my nerves, I simply didn't have the spine to move honestly, to follow strong gut instincts that would've preserved some earth beneath my feet, some earth that no longer exists. Knowing my luck, someone's gonna clock who this is, but I'm one-way posting this so idrc who reads this or what response it incites.
I don't think flaunting or displaying one's significant other is a crime, imho, but I think I always sat on the bench and watched others live and be couples and have ship names + have a "normal" american social life. So the lack of care for literature, or anything that isn't related to career interests similar to mine, and borderline mental retardation induced by years of o.d.d or revolt against strict parents - resulted in a sad pedestrian urge to center my entire life around her. But only in hindsight was it made clear to me that I had many dismorphia's, and centered it around my ideal perception of the filtered parts of her that I found admirable and publicizable.
Of course now things are very different, now I'm pretty sure I'm either being hunted, villainized, or mummafied everywhere news of my history reaches. I've told myself that no matter what, if anything is undeniably true, I will not allow dismorphia. Mentally 50 yrs old despite just entering 30s and grateful this didn't happen in my late 40s where low-hanging fruit such as the post breakup gym girlie/lad chapter, flings, vices, money, etc etc etc would've probably made anyone nausous. I'm expecting to be incarcerated eventually but now optimistic about a few things, which I'm not going to say out loud.
I'll close with this though, I don't think the bjhm show was that palettable to me because none of it felt prescriptive, the show only showed a downfall or a flatline, and eventually so much downfall and flatline that the horse simply couldn't do anything but ..... . It would've been helpful or more inviting if there was at least a 2-5 minute segway where he works and succeeds and making friends inside ...... . Or just died any other way. Also note, I didn't watch everything, bc the dude is me, and other characters were others I knew. But perhaps I can carve out a day to sit and see all the hierlooms left by those years from that person, and extract everything that is pragmatic and will be useful for me to know.
If you read this far, ... yikers.
This was such a good read and a post I'll be thinking about for days! Will be subbing:))))
thank you so much for your piece. i saw the same tiktok about the girl talking about the candid girlfriend and it played on loop in my head, thank you for connecting it to this film. i totally agree with you that most 'artsy' men are not interested in women as individuals but as muses, as third slide of a carousel girl, who would perfectly fit in their life. i've experienced it myself and it fucking sucks
was just thinking about this movie!! Summer was always open with him about what she wanted and he wanted this huge romantic love
this is incredibly spot-on, i love this
wow, a bit crazy that we were talking exactly these points yesterday with friends. love it.