the friend behind the glass
why i've stopped texting my friends
Last week, I deleted social media from my phone without warning, stopped replying to messages, and dedicated myself to mastering mobile games. Here’s why:
!!! DISCLAIMER: This post is not meant to blame my friends, or to imply that my friendships are unfulfilling in any way! I’m simply talking about an internal experience and a pattern I’ve had a part in creating. I love and adore all of my friends deeply.
I got my nose ring taken out a week ago and immediately texted my friends. The texts felt natural, almost reflexive, a voice urging me to announce it to someone, anyone. I spammed them with photos of my naked nose, cursed the school administration, and lusted over the piercer who took it out and called me sweetheart. I sent text after text to several friends because I felt like I had to do so. The next day, I recited the same things I told them over text in real life—I had nothing new to say to them because I’d already shared my current news over text. A few hours later, without telling anyone, I impulsively deleted Instagram and TikTok from my phone. When I informed my friends (who were wondering why I was ghosting them), they were confused about why I did what I did. I was as confused as them. I’ve always calculated all my moves, but this sudden app purge was not like me.
This past week, I’ve felt a sense of calmness I’ve never felt before. During my tranquil hours at home, I thought about why I suddenly decided to stop replying to texts.
1 - Relationships as obligations
I’ve been watching video essays (I love you, Mina Le) and obsessively playing Minesweeper. I’ve also gone through my saved pieces on Substack, near finishing If an Egyptian Cannot Speak English, tidied my room, and wrote essays for college applications and Substack. I wasn’t more productive necessarily, but I finally had the time to sit with myself again. My alone time wasn’t filled with the noise of an “Am I the Asshole?” Reddit story or the constant buzz of my phone going off. As I spent time being my only friend, I came to realize that my friendships had turned into chores for me. I don't share my life with my friends because I feel like it, but rather as an obligation.
All of my relationships have morphed into this we have to text every day, even after seeing each other for hours, or there’s no point in friendship, conundrum. If I don't text my friends every day, then I'd feel like a shit friend because how can I be a good friend if I don't immediately announce to my friends I've taken my nose ring out, even though they’ll see it in twelve hours?
I’ve connected constant texting with intimacy, so now my best friend is notified when I’m taking a shit. But the endless thread of texts creates noise and replaces intimacy. Texting, an invention to keep us close has opened the distance between my friends and me. I can’t remember the last time my best friend and I shared an intimate heart-to-heart moment. I consider him the dearest thing in the world, but he has morphed into a replying machine I feel obligated to send memes, knowing he'll always reply in an hour or two.
It’s nobody's fault that I’m sick of my relationship with online communication, but I think I’ve completely lost what it means to have a friend. I just have real-life, interactive diaries. Hey, maybe this is why I can’t journal! Although this wasn’t a conscious decision, I somehow started texting my friends constantly. Messages built up quickly. Before I knew it, we were texting at every opportunity. Every fleeting thought was sent out into the ether, leaving me with nothing to keep for myself. I’ve realized that friendships built on constant updates don’t leave space for reflection. True intimacy is replaced with constant noise.
Everything about my friendships is instantaneous; I can’t sit on my thoughts and share them once I fully develop them, or decide what to do by myself. Instead, we debate my thoughts or decide my next moves together. My phone has made me lose my autonomy in a way I never thought possible. I’m chained to what my friend behind the glass will say before I do anything. “Should I come to school?” “GUYS WHAT DO I TEXT HIM BACK????” “Should I cut my hair back to a bob?” “Do I wear this outfit or the other one?” “What do you think of XYZ?” We are constantly sharing experiences and opinions and I’m endlessly confused about how my judgment functions because it’s so intertwined with the judgment of my friends. Would I’ve done things differently if it wasn’t for that damn phone?
Hopefully, by taking a leave, I’ll find which parts of me are crowdsourced by my friends. I’ll relearn to decide for myself, and maybe surprise my friends, who knows.
2 - The beauty of “catching up”
My close friend got broken up with a few weeks ago and deleted her social media accounts. She took a week-long sabbatical and later became almost impossible to catch up in school. As the weeks passed, and the shock of the breakup lightened, she became more open to talking to us, needing less space. Sneaking to the library and talking in hushed voices, I got to catch up with her and her life, and she got to listen to everything I’d been up to. We gave updates, gossiped, and talked about changing our hairstyles. Later, I told our other friend: “I’ve missed her. It was so nice to talk to her.”
I think some part of me has always yearned for a “So, what else is new?” kind of conversation. Constant texting and remaining in the loop depraved me from the luxury of missing my friends. I don’t value the presence of my friends enough because I’m never spending a moment without them. Missing them would make me value their presence in my life more while strengthening our connection. There’s no point in talking over coffee anymore if it’s the continuation of the things we’d texted about the night before. Although the severity might change, I think everyone has partly lost the meaning of friendships. Modern relationships have become extremely low effort because a few clicks on the screen are enough to keep a relationship alive.
I text my friends who live abroad less often than people I spend all day in school with—the other way around sounds more normal, right? I’m simply tired of the constant togetherness. We need space so our face-to-face conversations have no awkward silences. I want to do something and naturally have it come up in a conversation three days later. By broadcasting everything on my spam account’s story (which I’ve stopped actively using over the summer) and constantly texting friends, I’ve disabled myself from the joy of talking about my life. I knew I was doomed when I realized I had more fun talking to my less-close friends. We text less often and our conversations become more meaningful because of that. Telling people things about me has lost its charm because I do it too much.
Lukewarm take: You don’t have to text people daily. You just don’t have to text in general.
I’ve been having an amazing time by myself. My WhatsApp notifications go off and I have no urge to check them. I’ve stopped crowding my phone with trivial conversations. I still reply, you know, but it’s not as often as it used to be. I don’t need the urge to complain about what to wear the next day without concluding what I’ll wear every night, nor do I listen to uninteresting clutter about strangers’ lives. Pointless TikToks aren’t exchanged and I have no idea what the newest meme is.
Although some friends think I’m an asshole for deleting my socials, I think it was needed. The news in Turkey is depressing, school’s getting busier, and I missed missing my friends. The silence of my room being filled with Björk instead of notifications (this is a lie because I’ve always had them off) is truly a blessing. I may return next month, or the month after, but you best believe my texting and posting habits will change. This is the third Renaissance (the second being Beyoncé’s). I’m so excited to see the beer memes I’ve tasked my friend to send to me during my absence.
Also, can someone please tell me what the hell a Dua Lipa jalapeno Coca-Cola is????
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not knowing the newest meme or social media trend is the best. "oh, i'm sure you've seen it. it's been everywhere." "nope. no idea what you're talking about."
This is great, reminded me of my mum saying ' Your phone is the problem' I understand it now, trying to take over from my addiction. Lovely writing, keep writing more, would love to read more of your works.